Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A letter I got today

Dear Ethan:

As Councilman representing [your ward], one of my main priorities is safety, especially your safety.

Recently, there has been an increase in crime in our neighborhood. Breaking and entering is on the rise; therefore, I would like to stress the importance of locking all doors. Be sure to secure your home and automobiles, and, if you are fortunate to have a house alarm; engage your alarm system in your absence and at night while sleeping.

Due to the importance of this matter, I will be conducting a neighborhood meeting on September 12, 2011, at [a local elementary school] from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm to discuss this safety issue and any other matters and concerns.

The area Crime Watch program has been successful and will continue to do well if we all contribute in any way we can in deterring crime in our neighborhood. Please continue to be observant and contact the police to report any suspicious activity.

Thank you for your help in making our community safe. If you need my assistance, please contact me at the council office, [phone number]. Also, please sign-up for news and events at [url made into a link automatically by Microsoft Word which is a bit useless in a printed letter].

Sincerely,
[Rich white dude]

cc: [A bunch of cops]
I'm half-thinking about going and asking if he's taking any time out of his busy fearmongering, alarm system-advertising, and overemphasizing-of-dates-places-and-times schedule to, you know, do anything about the causes of those tiny actions that fit into his definition of "crime." The theft of huge swathes of people's ability to support themselves continues into its nth century of not prompting any important meetings at elementary schools.

By the way, the "area Crime Watch" that has been so "successful" so far in my experience consists of 1) a woman who has lived down the street from me for two years but who apparently doesn't recognize me following me at low speed (her in her car, me on my bike) for three blocks and around several turns before stopping and yelling "Where do you live??!!?!" at me and accusing me of being shady because I kept looking behind myself at the car following me at about ten miles an hour for three blocks and around several turns, and 2) our probably diagnosably sociopathic next door neighbor begging us to let him string a trip wire in our backyard so that if people come through it in the middle of the night he can catch them and beat them with a baseball bat. Given these encounters, I'm wondering if you understand why I'm made a bit queasy by Rich white dude's urging my neighbors to "contribute in any way we can to deterring crime in our neighborhood."

PS I wish someone would break into his office and steal from his semicolon and hyphen budget, because it's clearly overfunded.

8 comments:

Abonilox said...

It is hilarious, and pathetic at the same time. So my tears are come from both hysterical laughter and pity simultaneously. Actually, I'm not crying. I lied about that. Haven't shed a tear in years. I think my tear ducts are inoperable.

Anyway, classic stuff. And it really works! This is 8th Grade political hackmanship.

I hope the old lady gives you a break. As far as your neighbor goes, is he armed?

Jonathan Versen said...

"Where do you live? Can't you tell I'm following you? Quit acting suspicious by not heading straight home just because I'm following you!"

Yeah, what Abonilox said.

Randal Graves said...

It's too bad that their caring doesn't extend to purchasing alarms for all homeowners/renters but that would require alarm hawkers to subside with less cash and therefore they themselves would have no alarms and would be the targets of crime and after suffering said crime would no longer be able to sell alarms. It's a vicious cycle.

SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING

Ethan said...

My next door neighbor--well, he's got a baseball bat, and his sound system probably qualifies as a weapon.

The woman down the street--the thing that bugged me the most was her complete inability to put herself in someone else's shoes. She originally thought I was suspicious because she saw me look down the street both ways before I got on my bike and started riding--uh, hello, you would do the same thing.

Alarms--yeah, if especially my safety was really important to him, my Councilman would have bought me all the alarms my little heart could desire, but no...

antonello said...

one of my main priorities is safety, especially your safety.

Followed by banal advice from Councilman Tritewad. I'm surprised he didn't add: "Chew your food. Don't stick your fingers in electrical sockets. Try to stop being such a fuck-up."

Breaking and entering is on the rise; therefore, I would like to stress the importance of locking all doors.

It's only when a door is locked that it gets broken into. Otherwise you just have entry but no breaking. Unless, of course, someone is rather hyper and decides to knock the door down without using the knob first. A policeman, for example.

If you are fortunate to have a house alarm; engage your alarm system in your absence and at night while sleeping.

"Hell, just engage your alarm all the time. Do it while you're up and about. Do it while you're having a party. That's probably when the Muslims will attack you. Remember, they hate you for your freedom."

I will be conducting a neighborhood meeting... to discuss this safety issue and any other matters and concerns.

"Except for any more goddamn talk about potholes. Jesus, folks, leave it alone. They're not gonna be filled. Get used to it."

Please continue to be observant and contact the police to report any suspicious activity.

"And by 'suspicious' I mean, like, being poor. I don't know what it is about poor people - they just always seem suspicious to me. It's like they want something. If you're poor yourself, no offense. In that case, you might want to make our neighborhood safer by living elsewhere."

Ethan said...

It's only when a door is locked that it gets broken into. Otherwise you just have entry but no breaking.

Back when I had a car, the stereo once got stolen out of it twice in a month. (Did that sentence make sense?) After replacing it, and the smashed windows, for the second time, I decided to stop locking the doors. At least that way I'd only have to replace the stereo, not the windows, too.

I never once had anything stolen out of it again.

Justin said...

Ethan,
That's precisely why I walk around with my pockets turned inside out.

Ethan said...

No-good lazy bum!